Validating someone’s feelings means letting them know their emotions make sense and that you’re trying to understand them. It doesn’t mean you agree with everything they think or do. It’s one of the simplest relationship skills there is, and one of the most often skipped.
Have you ever shared your feelings and felt dismissed?
Most of us have. You tell someone something that’s bothering you, and they jump straight to advice, change the subject, or tell you it’s not a big deal. Often what you wanted wasn’t a fix. You wanted to be heard.
Something as well-meant as “don’t worry about it” or “just move on” can make a person feel worse. I see this all the time in couples therapy: one partner tries to help by solving the problem, and the other walks away feeling more alone. This post covers what invalidation is, what validation looks like instead, and how to practice it in real conversations.
What is emotional invalidation?
Emotional invalidation is when someone’s feelings are dismissed, minimized, judged or denied. Sometimes it’s obvious (“You’re being ridiculous”). Often it’s subtle: an eye roll, checking your phone, or rushing to the bright side.
Repeated invalidation is harmful because it can lead people to doubt themselves. When you’re told over and over that your reactions are too much, wrong or silly, you can start to question your own sense of what’s real. Over time that can feed guilt, shame and low self-worth.
Feelings themselves aren’t right or wrong. They’re information about what someone is experiencing. Actions can be helpful or harmful, but the feeling underneath is still real to the person having it.
Most invalidation is unintentional. People often do it because they’re uncomfortable with the other person’s pain, or because they want to help. The impact still lands, though, so it’s worth paying attention to.
Examples of invalidating statements
These phrases can leave someone feeling unheard, even when they’re meant kindly:
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It’s not that big of a deal.”
- “Just get over it.”
- “There’s nothing to be anxious about.”
- “It could have been worse,” or “Other people have it worse.”
- “Don’t think about it. Move on.”
- “At least…” followed by anything.
What happens when partners and family members feel invalidated?
When someone is invalidated again and again, they often start to feel insecure in the relationship. We expect the people closest to us to listen and support us when things are hard. When they don’t, it can feel like the relationship isn’t a place where you can be yourself.
People who feel dismissed usually share less. They become more guarded, more defensive and less flexible. Their partner may then feel shut out and push harder, which leads to more defensiveness. It’s a cycle, and often both people are hurting. In a secure relationship, each person tries to understand why the other feels the way they do, even when they’d feel differently.
What is emotional validation?
Emotional validation means listening to understand what the other person is going through and letting them know their feelings make sense. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation or their choices. You’re responding from empathy, not judgment.
Think of a child having a meltdown because their sandwich was cut the wrong way. To an adult, the reason might seem small. The distress is still real, and a child who feels understood (“You really wanted triangles, and that’s so frustrating”) usually calms down faster than one who’s told to stop crying. Being understood helps people of any age settle and make sense of what they’re feeling.
When our feelings are validated, it’s easier to name what we feel and to calm down. That’s true for adults too. Simple phrases like “I can see where you’re coming from” or “That sounds really hard” help the other person relax and open up. Validation is how you meet someone where they are.
How to validate someone’s feelings
Here’s a simple three-step approach:
- Acknowledge the feeling. Name what you see or hear. “You seem really hurt.”
- Show that it makes sense. Connect it to their experience. “Of course you’re upset. You were counting on that.”
- Offer support. Let them know you’re with them. “I’m here. Do you want to talk it through or just vent?”
Validation tends to lower defensiveness. When someone feels understood, they don’t need to keep arguing to prove their feelings matter, so conversations stay calmer and problem-solving gets easier. It won’t end every disagreement, but it changes the tone of them.
Examples of validating statements
- “I can see you’re really upset.”
- “Here’s what I’m hearing. Tell me if I’ve got it right.”
- “That must have been so hard.”
- “It makes sense that you’d feel that way.”
- “I can see how much effort you’re putting in.”
- “I’d probably feel frustrated too.”
Your turn to practice
Imagine your partner wants to go out for a nice dinner every weekend. Romance matters a lot to them. You see those dinners as an unnecessary expense, because you’re saving for your kids’ education.
An invalidating response might be: “I can’t believe you’d rather spend money on dinner than on our kids,” or “Why are you so needy? We don’t need date nights.”
Responses like these hurt and usually start an argument. When invalidation happens often, it wears a relationship down. It’s one of the patterns I work on most with couples of every kind, in person and online.
Instead, start by validating: “I get that you want more romantic time with me. I want that too.” Then share your side: “When I think about going out every weekend, I get anxious about money, because I keep thinking about what we’re trying to save.” Now you’re both on the table, and neither of you is wrong for what you feel. From there, a middle ground, like a monthly dinner out and a cooked-at-home date night in between, is much easier to find.
Validation doesn’t mean giving in. It means understanding first, so the actual problem-solving can happen. For more on this, see my posts on the power of communication in a relationship and ways to decrease arguments.
Tips to help your validation efforts
- Listen actively. Put your phone down and resist planning your reply while they’re talking. Your first job is to understand.
- Show you’re paying attention. Eye contact, nodding, turning toward them. If steady eye contact is uncomfortable for either of you, sitting side by side works too. What matters is that they can tell you’re present.
- Reflect back. Every so often, sum up what you’ve heard. “So you’re upset with your boss because she promised you the promotion and then gave it to someone else. Is that right?” This shows you’re listening and gives them a chance to correct you.
- Take your time. Don’t rush them, finish their sentences or fill every pause. A little silence often helps people say the next, more important thing.
- Ask before you fix. “Do you want ideas, or do you just need me to listen?” saves a lot of misunderstanding.
- Offer comfort, if it’s welcome. Some people want a hug or a hand to hold when they’re upset. Others don’t. Ask, or follow what you know about them.
Validation takes practice
If validating feels awkward at first, that’s normal. Many of us grew up in families where feelings were fixed, argued with or ignored, so this is a new skill. It gets easier with practice, and it tends to make the people around you feel safer coming to you. Learning to validate others can also make it easier to be kinder to your own feelings.
If you and someone close to you keep getting stuck in the same conversation, therapy for better communication can help you both feel heard. You can book a free 20-minute consultation whenever you’re ready.
