Couples often ask me for something they can actually do between sessions. Insight is a good start, but it’s in the kitchen at 10 p.m., when the same argument starts again, that a relationship really changes. So I asked fellow therapists and relationship professionals a simple question: what is your single most effective couples therapy exercise? Their answers are below, one exercise each, credited to the person who shared it, alongside my own. Where I’ve added a note from my own work, I say so. Fellow clinicians are welcome to borrow them too.
None of these are magic. Each one works best when both of you approach it with curiosity rather than as a test the other person has to pass.
- Most recurring fights are driven by something underneath the surface issue.
- Structure, like taking turns or naming what you feel, makes hard conversations safer.
- Small, repeated practice at home matters more than one big talk.
How to use these exercises
A few things make any of these more likely to help. Pick one exercise, not all nine, and try it for a couple of weeks before judging it. Practice when you’re both reasonably calm, not in the middle of a blowup, so the new habit is familiar by the time you really need it. Expect it to feel awkward. New ways of talking almost always feel stiff before they feel natural.
If either of you becomes flooded, meaning your heart is pounding and you can’t take in what the other person is saying, stop and come back to it later. Pushing through usually makes things worse. And if an exercise keeps turning into a fight, that isn’t failure. It’s useful information about where the pattern is strongest.
1. Question your presumptions and expectations (from Tina Marie Del Rosario, LCSW)
One of the most common problems I see in couples is the gap between what we presume and what we expect. A presumption is believing something is true because it seems likely to you. An expectation is wanting your partner to do something the way you would do it.
When you believe your partner should respond a certain way because it’s obviously the right response, you miss their position in the situation. When you expect them to do things your way, you miss what works for them. And when they don’t match the picture in your head, assumptions rush in. “They don’t care.” “They’re doing this on purpose.” That’s where conflict starts.
Picture a couple where one partner cleans the house carefully, in a set order, and the other cleans in a looser way. The first partner keeps feeling let down. To them, the right way to clean is obvious, and they expect it done the way they’d do it. The second partner feels they did their best and gets criticized anyway, so they feel unappreciated. Soon it isn’t about cleaning anymore.
The exercise: the next time you feel let down, pause and ask yourself three questions. What did I presume? What did I expect? Where does that expectation come from? Then get curious about your partner in the same way. What’s driving their behavior?
In a situation like the one above, the first partner might discover that a spotless house is how they calm their anxiety. The other partner might realize the criticism was never really about them. Once both can see what’s underneath, the argument softens, and they can find a way of sharing the work that respects both of them. When we focus on what’s driving a behavior rather than the behavior itself, we learn more about our partner, and we start to understand where our own triggers come from.
2. Start with the dream, not the complaint (from Mary Kay Cocharo, Encounter-centered Couples Transformation Therapist)
Mary Kay Cocharo has worked with couples for 35 years, and her favorite intervention happens right at the start. Most couples arrive unhappy, disconnected, lonely or fighting, and ready to air their grievances. She points out that the standard opening question, “what brings you in?”, invites each partner to launch into what’s wrong and blame the other.
So she starts somewhere else. She asks the couple to help her get to know who they are at their core, when they aren’t caught up in their struggles, and why they got together in the first place. Because she believes “energy follows attention,” she has them focus on their biggest relationship dream: “what for you is your greatest aspiration, your deepest longing for your relationship?”
The exercise: going slowly, each partner names three parts of their dream in what she calls the language of abundance, the language of dreams and intentions. If someone says their dream is that “we don’t fight,” she helps them imagine what they would do instead, which turns into things like listening deeply, accepting differences and having empathy. She then has them work together toward that shared vision. As she sees it, this vision is who they are, and their painful pattern is how they have survived. All the work that follows serves their deepest hopes for being together.
My note: Imago work, developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, uses a similar shared relationship vision. At home, it helps to combine your lists into one and keep it somewhere you’ll see it. When you hit a rough patch, read it again and ask: what would the couple on this page do right now?
3. Notice the story you’re telling yourself (from Amy McManus, LMFT)
Amy McManus says a common issue couples bring to her is the division of household tasks, sometimes one task argued about again and again, like whether the kitchen is clean before bed. When a couple fights over the same issue repeatedly, she sees it as a sure sign there’s more to it than the dishes. She works through it in four steps.
Why you see things so differently
Our feelings are driven less by what actually happens and more by the story we tell ourselves about it. Dishes left in the sink can mean “they were tired,” or “they don’t respect me,” or “I’m the only adult here.” She explains that this is one of the basic ideas of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): you can’t control your partner’s behavior, but you can notice and question the meaning you attach to it.
How your body joins the argument
When a story sets you off, your nervous system reacts as if you’re under threat. Your body goes into fight or flight, and the thinking part of your brain, the part that plans and weighs consequences, gets less of a say. That’s why it’s so hard to be reasonable in the middle of a fight. She teaches clients ways to calm the nervous system at this stage: breathing, grounding and mindfulness. Slowing your breathing, feeling your feet on the floor or stepping away briefly can help your body settle so you can think again.
What history you bring
Next, she explores what history each person brings to the table. Someone who grew up in a chaotic home may need order to feel safe. Someone who was criticized as a kid may hear any request as an attack. When you understand the history being touched, you usually soften toward yourself and your partner.
The exercise: the last step is practical. Chore charts aren’t just for kids, but in her experience they fail when both partners haven’t truly bought in. After working through the first three steps, couples are usually more motivated to solve the problem together. What she finds works best is for each partner to own certain chores completely, start to finish, because overlap creates more room for misunderstanding.
My note: before you split up the chores, try having each of you privately finish the sentence “The story I’m telling myself is…” and share it once you’re calm.
4. Break the overfunctioner and underfunctioner pattern (from Laurie Pantell, MFT)
Laurie Pantell describes a dynamic she sees in some couples: one partner does far more than their share, the overfunctioner, while the other does less, the underfunctioner. The overfunctioner may work full time and also run the household. The underfunctioner may feel stuck, unsure how to contribute, or that their efforts are never good enough. Over time the roles become rigid, and both people get hurt.
When she sees it, she first names it as a polarization that doesn’t serve either person. The overfunctioner usually feels the strain most and is often angry or resentful, but the pattern does a disservice to both. The overfunctioner tends to worry that if they don’t handle things, nothing will get done. The underfunctioner may feel they have no chance to contribute because the other won’t let go of control. She finds it helps to have both partners agree the pattern needs to change.
The exercise: the remedy, as she puts it, is for the overfunctioner to pull back and the underfunctioner to step up, which is easier said than done. The couple chooses one task or project, and the underfunctioner takes responsibility for it as homework. There’s no grade and no right way it has to go. It’s an experiment. The overfunctioner’s job is to hold back and notice what thoughts and feelings come up: the anxiety, the urge to step in, the fear that something will go wrong. The underfunctioner’s job is to notice what feelings come up as they step forward, and what might usually stop them from taking initiative.
Then the couple talks about it in session. In her experience there are usually deeper roots to why each of you took on your role, often from family history or past relationships. New behavior takes time, but she has seen this process work with persistence, and when it does, other parts of the relationship often loosen too.
5. Treat conflict as a map, not a threat (from John Mark Kane, LMFT)
John Mark Kane notes that couples avoid conflict when they can, often because their experience of it has been negative. But in his view, conflict isn’t the problem: “conflict is actually your roadmap to intimacy.”
When a couple tells him they don’t have conflict, he takes that to mean at least one person is suppressing their needs, wants and desires to please their partner, which he compares to a relationship built on sand. Learning to do conflict in a healthy way lets you grow through your differences. The problem, he says, is that couples don’t know how.
The exercise: he gives couples a structured plan for handling different kinds of conflict when they come up. It rests on two principles: stop the damage in the relationship, so the couple can focus on rebuilding their connection, and remove the anxiety that keeps people from making healthy decisions in the middle of conflict. From there, he teaches couples to move past the battle over who’s right and to identify each other’s core needs.
My note: say you’re arguing about how often to see one partner’s family. On the surface it’s a scheduling fight. Underneath, one of you may need to feel that your family matters to your partner, and the other may need to feel that your time together is protected. Once those needs are named, you can look for options that honor both, instead of trading weekends like a negotiation.
As he puts it, when couples can meet each other’s needs while they disagree, they can find a way forward even without agreeing on the issue. That gives them a new, healthy way to face their differences, and a foundation for repairing and building trust.
6. Use the speaker and listener technique (from Sarah F. O’Brien, LCSW, LCSW-C, CCATP, CTMH)
Sarah F. O’Brien recommends couples use the Speaker-Listener technique, and always with a talking object, which could be a pillow, a pen, a magnet or anything else. The technique comes from PREP (the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), developed by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley. Imago dialogue, which I also use, works in a similar way.
The exercise: only the person holding the object can speak. Her rules go like this:
- The speaker holds the object and addresses one thing only: an issue with their partner, vulnerable feelings, difficult news or a request.
- The listener listens actively, without interrupting.
- The object passes to the listener, who only paraphrases what they heard, without discussing their own issue or rebutting.
- Then the floor is shared, and the listener gets time to respond with their own thoughts, but only after the speaker has finished.
She recommends it any time a couple has a conflict or needs to raise something difficult. She finds it reduces combative arguments and lets couples talk about problems peacefully and respectfully. When the listener repeats back what they heard, it becomes a chance for connection and understanding instead of defensiveness, blaming or stonewalling.
My note: it feels artificial at first, and that’s the point. Paraphrasing isn’t agreeing. You can reflect your partner’s experience accurately and still see things differently. Your turn to share your view comes when the object passes to you. Many couples find that once they feel truly heard, they need far less time arguing their side, because a lot of the heat in a fight comes from feeling misunderstood rather than from the disagreement itself. Start with low-stakes topics, like weekend plans, before you use it for the big ones.
If communication feels like the core of your struggles, my article on the power of communication in a relationship goes further.
7. Track surface triggers and ask bonding questions (from Ellie Borden, BA, RP, PCC)
Ellie Borden’s go-to exercise has two parts. The first is about the small things that set you off. The second reconnects you with what brought you together.
Part one: couples identify the surface triggers that come up during their week, anything from an untidy bathroom to specific words or phrases, and discuss them in therapy. In her experience, triggers often reveal areas that need healing, areas that are lacking, and attachment styles. Attachment is the way we learned, often in childhood, to seek closeness and protect ourselves. When a partner understands why something is genuinely a trigger, she says, it can stop being a blame game or an attack and defense pattern and become a place for compassionate communication.
Part two: couples answer bonding questions. Her examples:
- What qualities first drew you to your partner?
- What qualities does your partner have that you think you lack?
- What needs are you (unsuccessfully) trying to meet through your relationship? For example, understanding, approval or appreciation.
- Which of those needs did your early caretakers have difficulty meeting?
She finds these questions help couples see their relationship and themselves in a different light, and for many, they bring back the good things that first attracted them to their partner.
8. Learn each other’s love language (from Lawrence Barnier, Mental Health Officer at Women’s Resources e-Information)
Lawrence Barnier’s go-to exercise is, in his words, “a classic.” In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman describes five ways people tend to give and receive love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
He finds it effective because many couples’ problems come from a simple mismatch of love languages. Often both partners feel they give so much love and get nothing back, when really each is expressing love the way they understand it, without considering how their partner feels loved.
The exercise: learn the different ways people feel loved, identify which matters most to each of you, and try showing appreciation in your partner’s language. My note: one way to start is for each of you to guess your own top love language and your partner’s, then compare. Then, for one week, each of you does one small thing every day in your partner’s language rather than your own. Notice what changes. It’s a simple framework, not a scientific test, but it gives couples a useful shared vocabulary.
9. Name defensiveness out loud (from Lindsey Ferris, MS, LMFTA)
Lindsey Ferris has couples start noticing when they feel defensive, and acknowledge it when it comes up instead of speaking from the defensive place. Speaking from defensiveness, she explains, often escalates conflict and leads partners to retreat from each other, physically and emotionally.
The exercise: when defensiveness shows up, say so. Her example: “I’m feeling defensive after you just said that.” Then lean into each other to explore the defensiveness, instead of leaning away.
My note: the partner who hears “I’m feeling defensive” has a job too. Instead of pressing the point harder, try softening: “Thanks for telling me. I’m not trying to attack you. Can I say it differently?” That small exchange interrupts the escalation before it takes off.
In her experience, when couples acknowledge defensiveness, they begin to see the underlying beliefs and perceptions behind each other’s reactions, and they gain more empathy and insight into each other.
When exercises aren’t enough
These couples therapy exercises can help a lot on their own. Sometimes, though, a couple tries them and still ends up in the same fight, because the pattern is stronger than any single tool. That’s often when it helps to have someone in the room who can see the cycle from outside and help you catch it while it’s happening. That’s the work I do in couples therapy and in therapy for better communication, in person in Highland Park and online anywhere in California. If you’re wondering what that first session is like, I wrote about what to expect from your first couples therapy session.
If you’d like to talk it through, you can book a free 20-minute consultation. No pressure, just a conversation.
