Affirming therapy for polyamory and ethical non-monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an umbrella term for relationships where everyone involved knows and agrees that there can be more than one romantic or sexual connection. You’ll also hear it called consensual non-monogamy. Under that umbrella sit a lot of different shapes:
- Open relationships: usually a couple who stay each other’s main partner and have sexual connections outside it.
- Polyamory: more than one loving, committed relationship at the same time.
- Hierarchical and non-hierarchical poly: whether one relationship (often called “primary” or “nesting,” because you share a home) gets priority, or whether no relationship automatically outranks another.
- Swinging, relationship anarchy, monogamish and many arrangements that don’t have a name at all.
Two more words come up a lot in sessions. A metamour is your partner’s other partner. A polycule is the whole connected network of people. If those words are new to you, that’s fine. If they’re your daily vocabulary, you won’t have to explain them to me.
I’m not judging the structure
Many people in non-monogamous relationships have sat across from a therapist who treated the structure itself as the problem: a symptom of commitment issues, avoidance or something to be fixed. That isn’t how I work.
As a polyamory therapist in Los Angeles, I know that for many queer and trans people, non-monogamy is part of a wider life lived outside the mainstream script; LGBTQ+ couples therapy covers more of that. Healing Collective is ENM and polyamory affirming, LGBTQIA+ affirming and sex-positive. My role isn’t to decide what kind of relationship is right for you. It’s to help whatever you’re building work better for the people in it. Monogamy and non-monogamy both run into the same human problems: jealousy, insecurity, broken trust, uneven effort. The difference is that ENM tends to surface those problems faster and more often, because there are more moving parts.
That said, affirming doesn’t mean cheerleading. If I see an agreement that’s hurting someone, or a pattern repeating across partners, I’ll name it. That’s the same thing I’d do for any couple.
Opening up a relationship
A lot of open relationship counseling starts before anyone has a date on the calendar. More and more couples come to me wanting to open their relationship. Some have been talking about it for years. Some had one conversation and it scared them both. Some have already started and are realizing they skipped a few steps.
Questions we often work through:
- Why now, and what does each of you hope it will bring?
- What are you each afraid of? Usually there’s a specific fear: being replaced, being compared, being the one left at home.
- Is one of you more enthusiastic than the other, and is the less enthusiastic partner agreeing freely or to avoid losing the relationship?
- What would you want to know, and what would you rather not hear?
- How will you check in, and how will you slow down or pause if someone is struggling?
I’ll also be honest with you about one thing: opening up tends to magnify what’s already in a relationship. Strong communication gets put to good use. Unresolved resentment or a shaky sense of security gets louder. If the foundation needs work first, couples therapy is a good place to do it, and you can come back to the question of opening up from steadier ground.
Agreements, boundaries and broken trust
Most non-monogamous relationships run on agreements: who can see whom, what you share, safer-sex practices, whether sleepovers are okay, how much time goes where. Good agreements are specific, mutual and revisited as things change. They also tend to work better when they protect each person’s needs rather than try to control a partner’s other relationships.
In sessions we look at what each agreement is really protecting. “No sleepovers” might be about logistics, or it might be about a fear of waking up alone. When you can name the need underneath, you can usually find more than one way to meet it.
When an agreement gets broken, it can feel every bit as devastating as an affair in a monogamous relationship. Repairing that takes the same honest work: understanding how it happened, making amends and rebuilding trust step by step. My approach to betrayal and infidelity recovery applies here too.
Jealousy, insecurity and compersion
Jealousy is not a sign you’re doing ENM wrong. It’s a normal response to a perceived threat to a bond that matters. What helps is getting curious about it rather than suppressing it or obeying it.
I draw on attachment-based work and interpersonal neurobiology here. In plain terms, jealousy is often your nervous system asking, “Am I still safe with you? Do I still matter?” We slow that moment down so you can see what’s actually being triggered, and so your partner can learn how to reassure you in a way that lands. Some people also come to feel compersion, a kind of warmth at a partner’s happiness with someone else. It isn’t required, and it often shows up later, once the fear has quieted.
Metamours, polycules and more than two people in the room
Sometimes the challenge isn’t between two partners but across the network. A nesting partner feels sidelined by a new relationship’s energy. Two metamours don’t get along. Holidays, calendars and family introductions become complicated.
I work with individuals, couples, triads and other configurations. Who attends depends on what we’re working on. Sometimes it’s the two partners at the center of a conflict. Sometimes it makes sense to bring in a third person for a few sessions. You decide together who comes, and everyone in the room gets the same balanced attention.
How I work
Ethical non-monogamy therapy with me looks a lot like good couples therapy, with more people and more calendars to account for. I’ve spent 13+ years working with couples and individuals, and I teach and supervise other therapists as a college instructor and clinical supervisor. With ENM clients, I draw on attachment-based work, interpersonal neurobiology, PACT, Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method. PACT, developed by Stan Tatkin, is especially useful for the idea that partners can learn to be each other’s reliable home base, which matters a lot when there are other relationships in the mix.
Sessions are practical. We look at what happens in the hard moments, catch the pattern while it’s happening, and you leave with something to try at home. Individuals exploring their own relationship identity, or working through a breakup within a polycule, are welcome too; individual therapy covers that work.
Cost, location and getting started
- 60-minute session: $250
- 90-minute session: $325
- Couples Intensives: $600 for 3 hours, $1,100 for 6 hours
Longer sessions often help when more than two people are attending. I don’t bill insurance directly. For regular sessions, I can provide a superbill for possible out-of-network reimbursement. Superbills aren’t available for intensives or retreats.
My office is at 5317 North Figueroa Street in Highland Park, near Eagle Rock, Mount Washington, Glassell Park, Silver Lake, Echo Park, Pasadena and Glendale. I also see clients online anywhere in California, which makes it much easier when partners live in different places.
The first step is a free 20-minute video call. Tell me who’s involved and what you’re working on, and we’ll see if I’m the right fit. Book a free consultation.
