Couples therapy without having to explain yourselves first
A lot of LGBTQ+ couples have had at least one therapist who meant well and still got it wrong. They assumed one of you was “the man.” They spent half a session asking what your pronouns mean. They treated your open relationship, your chosen family or your transition as the problem to be solved. You paid to educate someone instead of getting help.
That shouldn’t be the price of couples therapy. My practice is LGBTQIA+ affirming, sex-positive, affirming of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory, and anti-racist. I work with gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, trans, nonbinary, queer and questioning partners, married or not, living together or not. LGBTQ+ couples therapy with me is the same depth of couples work I do with anyone, with an understanding of the pressures your relationship carries that others may not.
If you’ve been looking for gay couples counseling or a queer couples therapist who won’t need a primer before the real work can start, this is that work.
What LGBTQ+ couples come in with
Mostly the same things every couple brings: love, history and a pattern that keeps hurting. Some of the most common reasons couples reach out:
- The same fight on repeat, about chores, money, sex or time, that’s never really about the chores.
- Feeling more like roommates or best friends than partners.
- Different needs around sex and desire, and no easy way to talk about it.
- Trust breaking down after an affair or a broken agreement.
- Deciding together whether to open the relationship.
- One partner’s family that still hasn’t accepted the relationship.
- Questions about marriage, kids or the future that you see differently.
Your identity isn’t the issue. It’s part of the context. We work on the pattern between you, with that context in view.
Pressures many straight couples don’t carry
Every relationship has stress. LGBTQ+ couples often carry an extra layer that comes from outside the relationship and lands inside it.
Minority stress
Minority stress is the ongoing strain of living in a world that isn’t always safe or welcoming: scanning a room before holding hands, bracing for a comment at work, keeping up with news about your rights. The term comes from researcher Ilan Meyer. That background stress keeps nervous systems on alert, and alert nervous systems fight faster and repair more slowly. Sometimes what looks like a fight about tone is two tired people who’ve been on guard all day.
Family acceptance and chosen family
One of you may have a family that embraced you. The other may have a family that tolerates the relationship, ignores it, or has cut you off. Holidays, weddings and a parent’s illness can open old wounds and create real tension between partners. Many queer couples also have chosen family: friends who became family when your family of origin couldn’t be. We make room for all of it, including the grief.
Coming out at different paces
Partners are often at different places with being out: to parents, at work, online, in a partner’s hometown. One of you may feel hidden or like a secret. The other may feel pushed toward something they aren’t ready for, with real risks to family or work. Neither is wrong. We slow it down so each of you can say what’s at stake without it becoming a referendum on how much you love each other.
Gender identity and transition within a relationship
When one partner comes out as trans or nonbinary, or begins a transition during the relationship, both people are changing at once. There can be joy, relief, fear and grief in the same week. The partner who is transitioning may need support and visibility. The other partner may have questions about their own identity, about sex, or about how the world now sees them as a couple. Some couples find their way through together. Others decide to change the shape of the relationship.
I don’t come in with an agenda for where you should land. My job is to help both of you be honest about what you feel and need, without anyone having to shrink to keep the peace.
Open relationships and other structures
Many LGBTQ+ couples have open, monogamish or polyamorous relationships, and some are thinking about opening up. I won’t treat the structure as the problem. We look at agreements, jealousy, old attachment fears and what makes the structure work for you. If more than two partners want to come in together, they’re welcome. Read more about non-monogamy and polyamory therapy, and about intimacy and reconnection if sex and desire are the sticking point.
How I work with LGBTQ+ couples
The core of my work is the same as in all my couples therapy. Insight alone rarely changes a pattern, so I work with what happens between you in the moment: how each of you gets triggered, how you protect yourself, and how that lands on the other person. I draw on several research-based approaches:
- PACT, developed by Stan Tatkin, focuses on how your stress responses and attachment histories play out in real time.
- Imago, from Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, uses structured dialogue so each partner actually hears the other.
- Attachment-based work and interpersonal neurobiology look at how early relationships, including rejection or having to hide, shape the way you connect and protect yourself now.
- Gottman Method tools, from John and Julie Gottman, help with starting hard conversations gently and repairing after a fight.
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson, helps couples see the cycle they’re caught in and the needs underneath it.
I’m a biracial therapist, and I pay attention to how race, culture, class and religion meet sexuality and gender in your relationship. A couple where one partner is the first in their family to be out, or where your families have very different ideas about race and queerness, is carrying more than one story.
Nobody is the problem. The pattern is.
What to expect
It starts with a free 20-minute video call. Tell me your names, your pronouns and who’s involved. Ask me anything about how I work. There’s no pressure to book.
In the first session together, I’ll want to hear how each of you sees the relationship: what brought you in, what’s working and what keeps going wrong. We’ll start to map the cycle you land in. I won’t take sides. We usually meet weekly at first, then space sessions out as things change. Some couples add a Couples Intensive to make faster progress on one issue.
How much does it cost?
- 60-minute session: $250
- 90-minute session: $325
- Couples Intensives: $600 for 3 hours, $1,100 for 6 hours
I don’t bill insurance directly. For regular sessions, I can give you a superbill to submit for possible out-of-network reimbursement. Superbills aren’t available for intensives or retreats.
In person in Highland Park, or online across California
My office is at 5317 North Figueroa Street in Highland Park. Couples come from across the Eastside and Northeast LA, including Silver Lake, Echo Park, Eagle Rock, Glassell Park, Mount Washington, Glendale and Pasadena. I also see couples online anywhere in California, which some couples prefer for privacy or simply for the comfort of home.
If you’d like to see whether I’m the right fit, book a free consultation.
